5 Top ways of Picking up a Bombay Girl.

 *This article was written before Bombay became Mumbai. Please do not be offended. 

** This article is not meant to be taken seriously. Bombay women, i iz allwayz luving youz. 

So I see a lot of these posts on Buzzfeed, WhatCulture, and countless other websites. 5 these and 5 that. 5 different destinations you must visit before you die. 5 types of Pants that you must possess. And I was thinking to myself, what is THE most important thing to a man such as myself? GETTING LAID! Well not me, per say. I have a girlfriend. I am committed. Well sort of. Okay. No. She’d kill me. There has been talk of doing a Mountain on me. But i'd just like to say, Girlfriend, i find you eye popping anyway. (GOT reference for the win)

 My 5 top ways of picking up a Bombay girl.

1. Date. Be in a relationship. This really seems to work with single women all over Bombay. They seem to fall in love with you. They seem to want to give you more of the forbidden fruit then the gods had intended. So even if you aren’t in a relationship, sign a bond with your girl best friend, and BE IN ONE! Action. Action. More action guaranteed.

2. Go for gigs. Go for any gig. Go for Electro. Go for Techno. Go for Trance. Definitely go for Dubstep. Don’t miss out on that trap stuff too. Women be drunk. Women be doing drugs. Women be needing man to dance with. Women be needing man to take care of her. And THAT man could be you. Yes. You. Stop trying to pick up women with conversations/pick up lines. Stop trying to stare at her. She won’t ‘pallat’. Get to a gig and test this now. 

3. Pick up a camera/a pen/an instrument(no pun there) and ‘be’ someone creative. Be different(even if you aren’t). Be a coin collector for all I care, but just pretend to be different. Have that aloof thing going on about you and you are gold. 

4. Hate Delhi. Start your conversations with ‘So I hear Delhi guys go up to women and just tell them to be with him, I’d like to ask.’ ‘So I heard that guy in Delhi beat up the girl’s boyfriend, I’d just like to suggest that we don’t involve him at all’

5. Smoke pot. Let’s face it Bombay boys. Money isn’t something you carry in your pocket to just throw at women, and certainly not something you’re willing to separate with easily. Hence, smoke pot. Do drugs. Share them with your lady or your lady’s best friend or your best friend’s lady, and Boom(so many different kinds of pun!!!). She’s yours. And don’t forget to ask her to pay for her share. It’s only fair to go ‘dutch bro’. 

                                                  

                                           

Tiger Shroff Tu 'Heropanti' Rehne De

*If you are a fan of Tiger Shroff, please do not read further. 

**If you are a fan of Tiger Shroff, and still continue to read this, my apologies. I mean no harm. 

Let me just start off by saying that I haven’t watched Heropanti, and I don’t intend on watching it either. Let me also just put it out there that I went and watched Xpose, and I plan on watching anything and everything Himesh Reshammiya has done and will do till the end of his or my(his hopefully) days. I quite enjoyed it too. But that’s a whole different story. 'Ravi Kumar jitni baar bhi screen pe mootenga, main dekhunga'(i think i have a flair for these lines).

Here is why. Xpose comes into the category of unintentionally funny films. There is Deshdrohi. That's a category unto itself. There is Jimmy. Mimoh anyone? Oh god, that film still gives me the chills! MahaAkshay now actually. Star sons need star son like name. Bad job Mithunda, bad job indeed. 

Let me get back to Heropanti now. Heropanti stars another star son. Tiger Shroff. Now this guy, from his inception, which I hear Danny Denzogpa has nothing to do with. They keep saying that he is Jacky Shroff’s offspring, but I am a fan of conspiracy theories, and I ain’t buying that. 

Star sons and Bollywood have a very old relationship. It works in some cases, where we genuinely get some talent, cause they’re ‘born with it’. Which really isn’t the case actually, scientifically speaking, 'acting' isn’t a trait passed on. Abhishek Bachchan (cough cough). But we get what it means, you’re born into the film world, you understand it for what it’s worth and are shaped up to be an actor from the off. Such is the case with Ranbir Kapoor. But. What about the ones that are really not meant to be ‘Hero’es, where the only amount of ‘Heropanti’ I’d expect out of them is being on top, rather than the one taking it(jab jab jab). What about these poor fellows? Uday Chopra, I am speaking to you. They could have been anything. A doctor(god no), a rebellious pot head(such is the case with half the Hollywoood star sons),  or just sit and freaking enjoy your money at home son and date really hot women(seriously Uday Chopra, FUCK YOU!) 

Tiger Shroff. You sir. You deserve all my hate. You deserve all my wrath, and you deserve some facial hair too. I know you’d probably work on the last one quite easily considering you have that free pass to ‘we make you look all sprinkly and shiny where even your asshole looks nice and perked up and smells of daisies’ clinic. You have a script, a producer ‘backing’ you, and I am guessing you and your daddy and your daddy’s powerful industry friends have a say in everything that you do on screen, right? Why in the name of all the freaking Rahuls and Rajs and Simrans and Poojas on screen, is your name Bablu in the film? Why? Were you going for something edgy? Your name is Tiger. Stick to that you idiot. It can’t get edgier than that.  No Mr. Tiger Shroff. You lost me at that. Even if a couple of your ‘expert’ reviewer uncles and aunties come and tell me that you are great in the film. That if you pick the right movies have a huge career in the industry, I still refuse to waste my 400 rupees on a ticket to see you. I’d much rather go to your house, find Papa Shroff, and hand him the money to keep you ‘caged’ at home. And I urge everyone out there to do the same.

Then came the awesome trailer. Now the trailer is really quite awesome. Slow mo shots, cool calculated kicks, and some 'whistle blowing', and the line of the century. Yes Sallu bhai, this beat you too. ‘Sabko aati nahi, meri jaati nahi’. Now that line has started my favourite game of all. What comes to your mind when we say this? ‘Sabko aati nahi meri jaati nahi hai’ JULAAB.

Sabko aati nahi hai, meri jaati nahi hai!’ CHICHORAPANTI! You get the point. But okay, here : 

Anyway Tiger. You could have been a professional 'whistle blower' for all i care. Considering how well you hold long cylindrical objects in your gentle hands. But no, here you are, and i hear your movie is raking in money too. So good luck lad, good luck indeed. Soon enough, another one of you star sons is going to be making a grand entry on to the big screen. Until then, enjoy your spotlight, you deserve it.